Journal 15; Monday January 7th 2013

The first day back at college after the Christmas break – and what a Christmas break it had been for me! Sadly, my holiday had been one of my worst Christmases ever –  I had gone down, big time, and had been put on some very strong medication to try to help me deal with it. Needless to say, it didn’t particularly help; it simply tranquilised me so that I felt disconnected from everything around me. I made a decision to stop taking the drugs that were having this effect a few days before my return to college, and am sorry to say that the effects of the withdrawal were still taking their toll on me, and as such, my concentration levels on this day were, let us say, “patchy”  Even now, a day later, I am struggling to keep my mind focussed on writing this journal – I know I must try to write down how I feel though, as it is important for me, as a counsellor, to remember the chaos of these feelings whilst in crisis, as this is how many clients will be in initial sessions, and possibly again and again, throughout treatment, as the road to psychological wellness is not always a straight line(in fact it rarely is).

Today’s session was spent discussing ‘solution focused brief therapy’; an approach to psychotherapy based on solution-building rather than problem-solving, and pioneered by Steve DeShazer, who is quoted as stating that ‘the essence of psychotherapy was that the client is helped to make a change in their situation.’

SFBT targets the solution; what the client is striving to achieve through therapy, rather than the situation, event or obstacle that brought them to treatment. The therapist works with the client to place their attention on the present and future, not the past. The client begins by first envisioning what their desired future looks like, and then taking small steps toward achieving that outcome. It is an effective treatment model used across a whole range of presenting issues. As the name describes, it is a short course (anything up to 20 sessions) of therapy.

First, the problem is identified and described; “How often does … happen? How long has it been going on? Has it ever happened before? How did you deal with it then?”

Any goals that the client wishes to achieve are discussed, clients to are encouraged to identify these goals, even when they are finding it hard to see any way through their problem – “What do you want to get out of being here? What will it be like when the problem is solved? What will you be doing instead? When that happens, what difference will it make? What else will be different? What else?” The counsellor can use their questions to facilitate the client viewing their possibilities in a more positive light, encouraging them to imagine the ‘knock on’ effects that reaching their goals will have.

Exceptions to the problem are noted and attended to, helping the client to start to take on ideas that could lead to potential solutions. “What about times when the problem is not happening? Or when it is less? You mentioned earlier that some days/times are better. What is it like at these times? What are you doing instead at these times?”

Scales are another useful tool for the counsellor to use, “If you think of a scale from 0–10 with 10 being the best. Nought is how you felt when things were at their worst. Ten is as good as things can be in relation to this problem. Where are you now on that scale right now?  Give it a number, for example 2 or 3. How long will it take to get to 10? Maybe 10 is too big a goal? Is something lower more realistic? What number will be acceptable for you?” his helps to break the goals down into something achievable so a sense of success, and the encouragement gained from that success can be achieved.

The miracle question is designed to elicit a clearer picture of the client’s future without the presence of the current obstacles they face. “Suppose you go to bed and to sleep tonight as usual and while you are asleep a miracle happens and the problem that brought you here today is solved. But you are asleep and don’t know that it has been solved What will be the first small signs that this miracle has happened and that the problem is solved?” This gives the client the opportunity to visualise how there life could be – a powerful tool in itself, in terms of encouragement and inspiration.

DeShazer said “All that is necessary is that the person involved in a troublesome situation does something different.” It was once I read this, that I realised that SFBT is very similar to the kind of counselling that I had been receiving on an ‘every other day’ basis through the christmas holiday break. My counsellor said those very words to me “just do something different”. He asked me to scale in my mood at the beginning of every session, and he asked me the ‘miracle question’. First at the beginning of the sessions with him, and then again as we neared the end (we haven’t quite got there yet – I will still be seeing him once more). Thinking back, more clearly now, we set goals at the beginning of the treatment and he (very skillfully, without me even realising he was doing it) drew my attention to any exceptions to my own ‘bleak prognosis’ of my future.

Finding it as hard as I have to concentrate recently, this simple yet effective treatment outline was more than enough to focus on. As a client in crisis, I can see now, and understand that any deeper probing into the past may have been too much for me to cope with at that moment – even though, when the psychiatrist tried to tell me this, I argued with him, that being a student counsellor myself, I knew the difference, and I wanted ‘proper therapy’(!)

So, big BIG learning for me  – even with my ‘addled’ brain!

I cannot recall many details from the more practical part of the day. I know that I was ‘present’ for the individual skills part – I may have floated off during the process group a little, and I am quite sure that my mind had fully checked out by the time we hit ‘supervision’ at the end of the day, but in my defence I don’t think I did too badly really; considering the medication I was coming off of. In my head, the feeling was similar to as if I had attended a college session at the tail end of having had a bad cold. I know that I wouldn’t have been able to ‘counsel’ for a full hour in the ‘real world’, but I did muster everything I had in order to manage the 25 minutes skills practise we did, and it did seem to go ok. Certainly, when I reported back to my therapist this morning, he was pleased with my progress, in terms of mood, and quite surprised when I explained to him that his techniques were the ones we had been learning about!

 

Advertisements

Journal post 14; Monday December 17th

Our last session before the Christmas holiday!  Everyone else in the group seemed to be quite excited about Christmas – looking forward to the break, busy with planning and organising their festivities and the general feeling on check in on this morning was one of relief and excitement.

Except me (of course – always have to be different).

I am in a dark place at the moment. Check in with myself, where is my mood? Low, low, low…

I hate to sound like a humbug, but I just can’t seem to get excited about Christmas this year. I am trying, really hard actually, for the benefit of the kids, but it is hard, so hard. I suppose I feel that it just hasn’t been the same over the last few years – I used to be the Queen of Christmas – after all, I ran gift shops; My Christmas planning used to begin a whole year in advance, and the entire year was a build-up to December – my product buying had to be finished by april at the latest; floor plans and merchandising strategy in place by July, extra recruitment done by September, ready to switch into full on Christmas on November 6th. Then it would be two months of long days, Christmas shopping evenings and generally working flat out, combined with the hubbub of preparing  a family Christmas too – nativities, making mince pies and tree decorations – the things young children love about this time of year. I had to be supremely organised – which I was; I thrived on the business and adrenaline that this time of year meant to me. I loved it.

But in the last two or three years, it has gradually unravelled for me. The first Christmas after I separated from my husband was hard – but I coped pretty well – the kids were still small, and I had to keep the shops buzzing. Sadly, finding out about his new relationship and affair on Christmas eve, wasn’t my best Christmas present ever, but I chose to ignore it for the most part, and threw myself into the festivities harder than ever, determined not to let that spoil things. The last two years have been harder I guess, as I haven’t had the shops to keep me busy in the same way. I had worked every single Christmas in Retail for nearly 25 years; Cheesy Christmas music was force fed to me, forcing me to be festive and jolly. This year and last year have been the first ever, where I have not had to work on Christmas eve, and wish people a ’Merry Christmas’ a hundred times over!

This year Christmas will be very quiet for us, as my kids have reached the age where they really do not want to be involved in many family events, so it will be a small cosy affair with just the three of us, for the first time ever! How do I feel about that? Distinctly underwhelmed, worried that it will just be a day, like any other with the small difference of a bit of an extra tasty dinner! I am worried that I will feel lonely; which is probably why the exercise we did in the morning really upset me so much…

We were asked to ‘free write’ on the theme of ‘loneliness’, and this is what came out;

Empty evenings

Bored

Alone

Trapped in my own head

Four walls closing in

Feeling my thoughts take over

Inner voices filling the void

Fed up with my apathy and lethargy

Playing twisted tricks on me

This treacherous world is a cold dark lonely place

Uncaring

Untrusting

I need to hide; stay warm; feel cocooned

Shelter from the pain

Hurt

Cut myself off

Even though I long for contact, for touch

Is this insanity? Is this what it means?

I want to work out what it truly is

                                                                               But my head pounds

Spins

I need to shut it down

Silence the circular ramblings

The questions that are always unanswered

And sleep until it is all washed away

But then I wake up

And nothing changes

Still the same

The truth is; we are all born alone and die alone

The space inbetween spent chasing

Connections, commitment, communion

All of them distractions from reality

All meaning found is just a comforting illusion

A denial

Does that make me crazy?

Or do I have clarity?

We were given half an hour to do this in. I probably wrote for about ten minutes of that time, and spent the rest of it weeping to myself. I just couldn’t stop. The sadness it stirred within me was quite overwhelming; the awareness of the four givens (death, isolation, freedom and meaninglessness) and the weight of those subjects.

I has worried me. Am I resilient enough to do this work? Is this a temporary state, or will I always over empathise? Is there such a thing as ‘over empathising’? I always thought surely not, but now I just don’t know. I feel very, very delicate, nervous about the Christmas break. Even though this course has been such hard work, I need it so much – it is my only affirmation at the moment, the only thing that gives me validation in who I am – I was one of the last to leave at the end of the session yesterday – was that because I just feel that I need to be here so badly? Or because I was afraid of going home and beginning the holiday, and accepting that I do feel lonely at Christmas?

I can’t accept it, I just can’t. I am going to do something about it. I will report back in the New Year with positivity, I PROMISE. Myself