Journal post 21; 25th feb 2013

 

The first day back at college after half term, and the first day back with J, our tutor. I missed you!

Having one of our major assignments due in next week; today was set to be one of our workshop days, where we can make sure that we are working to the right format with J around, to guide us in that. I love these days, I find it really useful to do independent study with support on hand – it suits me very well. I like the company of having the rest of the group around me while I work; it is such contrast to the quiet of my house while I write and write away at home – which is, after all, one of my main pastimes. I do get a bit lonely, writing as much as I do. But I do love doing it, so it is worth the sacrifice, I think!

I felt present and connected with the group very well today – better than I had for a long time. Although my check in at the beginning of the day may have been bringing in all my anxieties that had built up in the few weeks since I had last seen everyone, I quite quickly felt them subside with the support of the group. After lunchtime, we spent some time watching a taped transcript piece, which was interesting – so valuable to see the blossoming competency of our skills within the group, and quite affirming. We are all “proper” counsellors now!

This led on to the process group – every week a new experience! I think I owned up to my secret dread of process group in an earlier journal. Well, did this week change that? I don’t know, really. Maybe…

Anyway, it began with a silence; as it often does. I did something I don’t often do, and I chose to ‘rescue’ everyone by breaking the silence to talk about a book I’d read recently that I thought the others might enjoy – usually I wouldn’t do that. I am not awkward with silence at all – I live in it much of the time, as I already said – and I am not, habitually, a ‘rescuer’, but for some reason I wanted to talk about a book. Did I want to show off my ‘knowledge’ to the rest of the group? No, I don’t think so – I think I might have wanted one of them to have read it too? Yes, I think I was calling out for someone to connect with me. “Get me! You get my books, you get my music – this is me showing you how to relate to me! I am giving you an inroad!” Because, I still don’t connect. Everyone talks about how the group is so tight, and I do feel that we have all become good friends, but I still feel that nobody gets me. Actually, I have always felt that nobody gets me – it just feels particularly so, now. Now that I have this new knowledge, now that I have made this major change of pace, of perception, doing this course – becoming a counsellor; GET ME! NOTICE! ACKNOWLEDGE! It’s HUGE! But of course, no one does…

Is this learning? Is this ‘process group learning’? Is the group serving as the microcosm of society, which the theory books say it will, showing me just how disconnected from the world I feel? It seems that even ‘like-minded’ individuals, are not of the same mind set as me. Am I alone? Do we all feel alone like this? Are we ‘together in our aloneness?’ – that was a Patrick Casement quote, wasn’t it? Is that one of the realities of existence? Coming to terms with that might make for some sort of inner peace, some sort of resolution, but it seems quite a cold and lonely place I would then be confined to, and I can’t help but yearn for something more than that from life…

And then, as if to prove me wrong; universe delivering in some kind of fateful way that it sometimes does; our quietest group member spoke up. She spoke, I mean REALLY spoke, about all of those things I have already mentioned; connection, being present, aloneness – as if absorbing all of my internal thoughts and laying them out for me to see. The whole group was involved, participating, helping her with her thoughts – “was she crazy?” she asked. She said how hard she was finding it; the written work and the practical work was overwhelming when combined with her other responsibilities, and she felt that her head was her own worst enemy; she was finding it hard to shut out her continual self -analysis at times, and to just learn to recognise feeling, and go with that. It felt as though she had reached into my inner monologue and said my words out loud – and what is more, the level of support she received was astonishing. Will I ever be able to do that? If someone as shy as her can, why can’t I? Oh I know I may appear more confident on the surface, but I am plainly not, otherwise I would have done so. I am inspired; both by my classmate’s bravery and the power of the process group. Proof for me, once again, on the power of this process…

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2 thoughts on “Journal post 21; 25th feb 2013

  1. Sometimes you may have to fake it till you make it. You will be asking your clients to dig deep and to tAke a step out of their comfort zone. Try it so you can experience a little what they will experience. Thanks for sharing

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